Gargoylz Blog » Ben

Wake up, Mrs Hogsbottom!

Ben — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 10:23:55 +0000

Mrs Hogsbottom gave us a funny look on Monday but she didn’t say anything. We reckon she was too embarrassed about getting soaked on Saturday.
We hadn’t forgotten that we wanted to play a trick on Lucinda, Poppy and Tiffany – remember they laughed at us when we had to join Wasps in Need, Miss Bleet’s stupid charity. When we went into the classroom on Monday there was a printed note from Mrs Hogsbottom to Miss Bleet on her table that she hadn’t read. We weren’t supposed to see it but this is what it said.

Dear Miss Bleet
Yesterday some of the pupils in your class made loud noises when they went past my room at playtime and made me spill my coffee down my best cardigan. It was outrageous. They are breaking school rule number 369 – pupils must not make the headteacher jump and spill her coffee down her best cardigan. I intend to lie in wait today and catch those pupils IN THE ACT.
from Mrs Hogsbottom

That gave us a brilliant idea. We hid the note and printed off our own…
Dear Miss Bleet
I didn’t have much sleep last night as my pet tarantula got out and I spent half the night trying to catch him so I may fall asleep today and that would be outrageous. Please ask some of the pupils in your class to make very loud noises outside my room to keep me awake. They will be rewarded.
from Mrs Hogsbottom

Miss Bleet read the note out to the class and Lucinda, Poppy and Tiffany put their hands up straight away – little creeps. We knew Miss Bleet would choose them as they’re such goody goodies. Off they went with drums and hooters, looking very smug and soon there was a load of banging and hooting from down the corridor followed by the biggest OUTRAGEOUS we’d ever heard. Then it all went quiet.
We didn’t see the horrible girls all day so we think they got their reward!
It’s going to snow tomorrow! Let’s hope school has to shut on Monday. Then we can play snowballs with the gargoylz!!!

Arctic Wasp Hunt

Ben — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:02:14 +0000

Lucinda has found out that there are no such things as Arctic wasps. She stormed into school on Monday with loads of boring stuff she’d printed off the Internet and started shouting at us in the playground and threatening to tell Miss Bleet. We said that Arctic wasps are so rare that no one has ever seen them. Lucinda said, ‘Well how do you know they exist then?’ We said you can hear them. They make a very low buzzing sound. We said there’s a prize for the person who spots the first one but you have to be careful not to be stung.
Then we got Neb to blend in with the background so he couldn’t be seen. He came and stood behind Lucinda in the classroom and every now and then he buzzed in her ear. She yelped and jumped in the air so many times that Miss Bleet asked her if she was ill. Lucinda told her that there must be an Arctic wasp in the room and although she would like the prize, it had to be swatted or it would sting her. Miss Bleet got really angry about this because she’s a wasp lover and has even started a charity called Wasps in Need for them. She threatened to send Lucinda to Mrs Hogsbottom.
Well we knew we wouldn’t have so much fun if Lucinda wasn’t there so we made a signal to Neb to go and buzz in Miss Bleet’s ear instead. We thought it would send her running from the room but she got really excited and nearly trod on poor Neb. She said that she’d never heard of an Arctic wasp and she wanted to see one. So we were to stop our lesson and search the classroom thoroughly. And she said that she would give her own extra special reward for the first person to see one.
This gave us an awesome idea. Last term the Reception Class did a dance for assembly called the Flight of the Bumble Bee and they all dressed up in brown and yellow striped costumes. We whispered our plan to Neb and he set off. Anyway, the next thing that happened was that I pretended to look out of the window by chance and I yelled, ‘There’s a whole swarm of Arctic Wasps on the church!’ The gargoylz had found the costumes and were scampering about all over the roof in them. They don’t usually like being seen by humans but they don’t mind when they’re in disguise.
Miss Bleet stared at them and said that they looked rather big for wasps. But Max told her that was because we were far away and if we got up close they’d be much smaller! Arctic Wasps are a bit unusual like that. Miss Bleet was so confused she gave up and said I’d won the prize! Max and I got really excited because of course I was going to share it with him. But it turned out to be a year’s free membership of ‘Wasps in Need’, Miss Bleet’s stupid charity.
Lucinda and her friends Poppy and Tiffany started sniggering at this so now we’ve got to think of another trick to get our own back.

Look out, he’s behind you!

Ben — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:15:42 +0000

School has started again and Mrs Hogsbottom shouted at us all through assembly today saying that we had to work really hard this term and there was to be no fun and games. Even Lucinda Tellingly and her chums looked shocked. We reckon Mrs Hogsbum must have been on Father Christmas’s naughty list and not got any presents! Well, we know our stony little friends will make sure that school is fun.

We had an amazing surprise on Saturday. Our mums and dads said we were going shopping in the sales. Max and I were horrified. We were sure we were going to need gargoyle help so Max took a backpack and we asked if we could walk past the church on the way. Pretending we were waving to the pigeons, we managed to get Toby and Theo to jump into Max’s bag when no one was looking.

We were forced to walk along the high street towards the shops while our ghastly sisters were skipping ahead and talking about all the lovely pink dresses they were going to buy. I told my mum I was too tired to go any further. I said my leg was hurting and it was cruel to make a boy walk so far when he’d only just got over a broken leg. She told me that my leg was all better now but to keep me quiet, we’d go inside this huge building and have a sit down.

Max and I tried to stop them because it was a theatre and you can’t sit on the seats without tickets. I was so sure that my embarrassing mum was going to ask the manager if her little boy could rest for a while. Max whispered into his backpack but the gargoylz weren’t there. We saw the tips of two stony tails disappear into the theatre. We were just wondering how we could get them back when our mums flapped tickets in our faces. It was a surprise. We weren’t going shopping after all. We were going to see the pantomime – Dick Whittington. Oh no we weren’t. Oh yes we were!

We took our seats but we were really worried about where the gargoylz had got to. Arabella, Ben’s bossy sister, complained that we were wriggling too much because we were looking round for our stony friends. We spotted Toby. He was sitting up on an empty balcony, ready to watch. And then Theo turned up on stage! The actors were a bit surprised when a real kitten appeared out of Dick’s hat – and the actor playing his cat nearly forgot to sing. But then the cat scooped Theo up and made him part of the show. He told the audience that he was his little nephew.

And then, when the queen, who was really a man in a big dress, threw sweets out to the audience, Toby flew around catching them and dropped them in our laps!

Next week is Friday 13^th. Unlucky for some!

Christmas Fun

Ben — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 19:36:37 +0000

Christmas was awesome! I had the best presents in the history of best presents. My uncle and auntie and all my cousins came and we played games. Toby, Bart, Eli, Abel, Theo, Barney and Ira had stayed at mine and they were very excited about having Christmas dinner. Dad always cooks loads so I knew there’d be enough for them. I just hoped that they’d stay out of mischief.
But when we went to sit down at the table for our turkey we found that all the crackers had been pulled and the jokes were missing! I knew who’d done that – Bart! I could hear him chuckling at the jokes under the table. Arabella tried to say it must have been me but I’d been playing with my cousins in front of all the grown-ups so she didn’t get very far with that. And luckily, Mum had bought two boxes of crackers so we all got a new one.

Bart wants to tell you some of the best cracker jokes.

What athlete is warmest in winter? – A long jumper.

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees? – Horn-aments!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? – A Christmas Quacker!

Have you got any to tell him? He’d love to hear them.
We’ll see you in 2012!

Yummy Birthday Cake

Ben — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:13:13 +0000

The birthday party turned out to be for St Mark’s Church! It’s 900 years old. And the gargoylz were very excited because there was loads of lovely food in a big marquee. Sausage rolls, crisps, mini burgers in mini buns, and lots more. And there in the centre of the table was the best thing in history of best things. The vicar’s special triple choc cake. It was massive so there was plenty for everyone.
But there was a problem. There were two humans guarding the food. And worse than that, they were Doris and Aggie, the demon flower arrangers. They were being really mean with the portions. Ben and I got a bit on our plates that was so small you needed a magnifying glass to see it. We didn’t know how we were going to feed all the gargoylz as well!
We needed to make a plan so we met the gargoylz out in the churchyard. It was trying to snow but Abel turned into a banana tree because they have big leaves for us to shelter under. He said he didn’t mind getting wet. Trees like it. Zack said he’d turn invisible and grab some cake. Simple! We tried to tell him that it wasn’t simple because people would see the cake moving about on its own but Zack had already popped invisible and Toby said he could see him running off towards the church. It’s handy that the gargoylz can see Zack when he uses his special power.
We sprinted back to the church – well Max sprinted and I hobbled – to try and stop him. But it was too late. Suddenly we saw Doris and Aggie running out of the tent screaming that they were being chased by a haunted beef burger. Of course it was invisible Zack flapping the burger at them. Other people turned to see what was going on but none of them saw the burger. We saw it disappear in two bites. Zack had eaten it! We should have realised that he’d think of something. Doris and Aggie has a lie down in the first aid tent and we sneaked along and took enough cake for all the gargoylz – and big slices for us too! Everyone else looked pleased that the demon flower arrangers had gone – even the vicar. They all queued up behind us and helped themselves.

I’m having my plaster off on Tuesday. Hurray!

Play Practice

Ben — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:33:02 +0000

It’s been a busy week, me hearties. We’ve been rehearsing for the school play – Treasure Island! I was desperate to be in it and I wanted to be a pirate. Well, most of the characters are pirates but we have this new supply teacher, Miss Wrighton, and she thought it would be funny if the girls played the pirates and the boys played all the other parts. She saw my plaster cast and said I should be Jim Hawkins….. I got really excited. Jim Hawkins isn’t a pirate but he is the main character of the story. I was going to be the star! Then it turned out she hadn’t finished her sentence. Things got worse. She carried on to say I’d be Jim Hawkin’s mother! She said I could sit down to rest my leg and look scared when the pirates popped up. And worse than that I didn’t have any lines! I just had to wail a lot. And worse than that, I was going to wear a pink frilly dress left over from Sleeping Beauty!

Time for some gargoyle help. We had to get rid of Miss Wrighton. Our story friends scampered up to the lighting above the stage and as soon as the girly pirates appeared they scattered them with glitter and some tinsel from the Christmas tree. The girls were delighted and danced around flapping their tinsel. Miss Wrighton screamed that no one was taking it seriously and ran off and wouldn’t come back so Mr Widget had to take over as director.

All the boys went to him demanding to be pirates and Lucinda Tellingly said she wanted to be Mrs Hawkins as she wanted to wear the pink dress. So Mr Widget agreed. He started to change all the characters. I heard a voice in my ear. It was Enoch hiding behind the PE equipment. He told me to limp across the hall, with my bad leg bent up behind me. I didn’t understand why but he told me there was no time to explain and that I HAD TO DO IT. He said that last bit in the voice of the evil Tangoman and no one argues with the evil Tangoman. So I did exactly what he said.

Mr Widget clapped his hands and jumped up and down in excitement. Max and I were worried that he’d gone mad too and that Mrs Hogsbum would take over but it turned out that Mr Widget thought I was just the boy to play the villain of Treasure Island – Long John Silver. He’s only got one leg you see. So it’s all sorted. It’s going to be the best school play in the history of school plays.

There’s one little problem. Can I learn the lines? I’m not very good at that.

Ben’s accident

Ben — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 19:19:59 +0000

The circus tricks didn’t quite go as well as they should have done. When Max tried juggling we lost all the balls over next door’s. He tried again with plant pots and they flew over the fence too. Then we both had a go with the apples that had fallen off the tree but they ended up in the neighbour’s garden too. Max’s mum came out then so the gargoylz had to hide in the flowerbeds. Mum was a bit cross when she found the apples had all disappeared and she kept asking what the funny noises were coming out of the bushes. We pretended we couldn’t hear any gargoyle giggling. In the end she went in saying she’d better get her ears checked.
As we couldn’t do any more juggling we thought we’d have a go at tightrope walking. We tied a rope to the fences on each side of Max’s garden and the gargoylz showed us how to walk along and not lose our balance. Well it’s okay for them. They’re used to scampering about on the church roof. And they’re not as heavy as us. Max couldn’t even get on the tightrope! Then it was my turn. I was sure I was going to do it easy peasy. I jumped on, got my legs tangled in the rope and fell off. Then I found I couldn’t get up. My leg was really hurting.
Anyway, Max’s mum phoned my mum and she came round and took me off to hospital. Of course Max came too (So did the gargoylz. They hid in Mum’s car boot)
I hopped in to casualty and Max found me a wheelchair and wheeled me round the corridors! Awesome! I suddenly realised I was going faster and faster and when I turned round Max wasn’t pushing any more. It was Neb. I could just see his outline. Anyway a nurse told me off. Well it wasn’t my fault but I couldn’t tell her a camouflaged gargoyle was making me go too fast.
When it was my turn to have an X-ray there was a tall man and a small child in front of me. They were both wrapped up in hospital gowns and hats. The child suddenly gave me a wink and I realised it wasn’t a child at all. It was Barney. Off he went and the next minute there was a lot of fuss from the X-ray room. We could hear people shouting that the child didn’t have any bones! Well of course not. Gargoylz don’t need bones. While they were all shouting Barney sneaked out chuckling.
Then it was the man’s turn. Soon there was a lot more shouting and the man ran out. He gave us a bow and rushed off down the corridor. It was Rufus – in his skeleton form. Well, they wanted to see bones and they didn’t even need to X-ray Rufus to see his. Some people are never happy.
When I’d had my X-ray it turned out that – bad news – I’d broken a small bone in my ankle, but good news – I got a plaster cast to wear (and crutches to hop about with!) When we got back home Max signed the cast and drew a picture of me falling off the tightrope – and the gargoylz crept into the lounge put their paw marks on it.
Better hop off now. Miss Bleet says a broken leg does not stop me doing my homework. Huh! I’ll have to think of a way out of this, with the help of the gargoylz…

Halloween High Jinx!

Ben — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 15:27:52 +0000

We didn’t mind about going back to school as it was Halloween and we all dressed up as spooky things and couldn’t do any work. Well, it’s hard when you’re dressed in a sheet with a couple of eye holes. And Max kept his skeleton mask on in all the lessons so he couldn’t even see the sums he was meant to be doing. Miss Bleet said we’d have to work harder the next day.
Anyway, Halloween night was awesome. Mum said we couldn’t have a big party as it was a school night. She had no idea that it was a big party because we had our secret guests – the gargoylz!
Tea was fingers dipped in blood! They were really chips, carrots, celery, all sorts of things cut to look like fingers, with tomato sauce. In fact there were a lot of vegetables and Mum was really pleased when we asked for seconds. She didn’t realise that there were a bunch of stony friends hiding under the table helping us to eat them.
But because we’d eaten so many vegetables – or so she thought – she said we could have extra spiders for dessert!
We had to make the spiders first which was fun but not easy when your bossy older sister keeps coming into the kitchen and moaning at you. The gargoylz had to hide every time and they started to grumble loudly enough for her to hear which made her very suspicious. Luckily Bart burped some of his spiders around her feet and she ran out screaming that we’d made real spiders and she wouldn’t come back into the kitchen for the rest of the evening. Mum and Dad were watching a film so the gargoylz were able to sit on the kitchen table. We stuffed our faces with spiders and told ghost stories/jokes.
Here’s one from Bart.
What is a ghost’s favourite game?
Hide and shriek!

Azzan has just reminded me that we should let you into the secret of our edible spiders. We used chocolate digestives, fruit strings, red jam and jelly cake decorating sweets. You put a choccy biscuit on a plate, chocolate side down. Then you smear it with jam for blood (though chocolate spread is good too) and arrange four fruit strings across so that it looks like four legs each side. Then you put another biscuit on top, chocolate side up and stick it down on the jam. Now it looks like it has eight legs. You can make a face on top with the jellies and then enjoy! And you will because they are scrummy.

Tomorrow night we’re going to the park for a mega firework display. The gargoylz can’t wait. Nor can we!!!

Arabella Ambush!

Ben — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 14:39:04 +0000

The gargoylz got a bit overexcited with the trick we were going to play on Arabella. I told them that all the monitors stay behind in the playground after the bell rings for afternoon lessons. It’s the monitors’ job to make sure nothing’s been left behind. So the gargoylz were to hide inside the pile of leaves and then throw them all over Arabella. I know I told them after the bell rang. Well! First of all they heard the church bell ring for one o’clock so they showered the infants by mistake. Luckily we were nowhere near so we couldn’t get the blame. In fact the dinner lady was really pleased when we offered to sweep up the pile again.

This time the gargoylz heard a mobile phone ring and thought that was the school bell. Poor Mr Bucket the caretaker got the next shower of leaves. We saw him sweeping them all up, muttering about the wind.

At last the moment came. We went inside for afternoon lessons and watched from our classroom. Arabella walked past the pile of leaves and… nothing happened. The gargoylz had got bored of waiting and were now on the school roof. We were just thinking that the trick had gone wrong when there was a screech! Our stony friends had found heaps of wet leaves in the gutter and had pelted Arabella with those. Result!

Toby has been pestering me to put his poem on the blog so here it is. Just remember, gargoylz have a different way of doing poems to us.

Dangling drainpipes, I can fly!

Ever so, ever so, ever so high

See me whiz around the spire

The birds fly high but I go a lot faster than them and they can’t catch me.

Even Toby isn’t sure about that last line. Maybe you can suggest a better one.

And here’s one from Rufus all about him turning into a skeleton.

Here comes Rufus

With terrible groans

Running round the churchyard

And rattling his fingers and toes so it scares everybody away. Especially at Halloween which is coming up.

We can’t wait until next week. It’s half term so NO SCHOOL. There’s a stone skimming competition in the park on Wednesday and I’m an ace stone skimmer.

Yucky Kitty Poem

Ben — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 14:13:21 +0000

As promised, here’s the kitty poem. We have to warn you, it’s very bad.

My ickle kitty is fluffy wuffy

Fluffy wuffy puffy puffy

My ickle kitty likes to purr

And has softy wofty fur

My ickle kitty is the cutest pie

When I see her I have to sigh

Oh fluffy wuffy puffy puffy

Softy wofty cutey pie!

Pass the sick bag! Here’s our poem about our kitten – It’s called ‘Here comes Theo’.

Here comes Theo

Fluffy tail and paws

But inside he’s a tiger

With giant teeth and claws

Here comes Theo

He isn’t soft or cute

Warning – if pick him up

He’ll turn into a brute

We let the gargoylz write the last verse.

Here comes Theo

Everybody hide

He may look like a kitten

But he’s very fierce and nobody should mess with him. Ever.

The gargoylz don’t really understand poetry!

We have to go to science club tonight. It was our mums’ idea. Mr Widget has said we’re going to do something really exciting. Bet it’s not! Mr Widget thinks that jam on toast is exciting!