We had a tunnel and a secret lab and a launch pad for our superspy rocket. But then Jessica came along. She wanted to play but she didn’t want to play Spy-boy. We didn’t want to play Spy-boy with her either but instead she wanted our base to be a princess castle! Ben and I were nearly sick.

Luckily Bart, Jelly and Neb had come to play with us. So Jelly melted down into a squidgy blob all over her shoes, Neb blended in with the cardboard and tripped Jessica up and Bart burped some spiders down her neck.  Jessica ran away screaming and so the secret base became a princess-free zone again.

Bart wanted us to tell you his best joke for this time of year but he likes two and couldn’t decide which one.  What do you think?

Q. What season is it when you’re on a trampoline?…

A. Spring-time!

Q. Can February March?…

A. No but April May!

Ben and I have to make a model of a king for history homework so we’re going to plan it out this weekend. We’ve chosen King Henry the eighth and I’ve had an awesome idea about how to do it that will be a trick as well.

What is a child’s favourite king at Christmas?  

A stocking!

What did the cow say on 25^th December?

Mooey Christmas!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis!

How did Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep and crisp and even!

What goes oh, oh, oh?

Santa walking backwards!

What did Rudolph want for Christmas?

A sleigh-station!

What’s warm and delicious and sneaks round the kitchen?

Mince spies!

And talking of mince pies, Ben and I are off to see the gargoylz with a whole tin of them.  We’re going to have a Christmas Feast.  So here’s the last joke.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Mary.

Mary who?

Mary Christmas Everyone!

We had a scare on Wednesday.  We were just going home when Miss Bleet reminded us about a nature project on birds that we should have done during the holidays. Boring. We were supposed to give them in on Thursday.  Of course Max and I had forgotten all about it.  We were just wondering if she’d ban us from playing football all term when the gargoylz came to our rescue.  They sneaked home with us and rolled in Dad’s vegetable patch.  When they were really sticky with earth and squashed tomatoes, they covered themselves in feathers.  Zack had brought along all the vicar’s pillows and we got the feathers from there.  Then the gargoylz climbed up in the apple tree and pretended to be birds while we took photos.  Toby flew about so we got some video shots too.  Then we quickly put them on a powerpoint and called it Unusual Birds of Oldacre.

Miss Bleet was a bit puzzled as she didn’t recognise all the types of bird, especially the Tobybird that seemed to wave at the camera, but she told our mums how well we’d done and they’ve signed us up for a footie training day on Sunday as a reward.  Can’t wait.

PS Bart has a joke…

Q. What is orange and sounds like a parrot?

A. A carrot!

Well, he thought it was funny!

Anyway he soon recovered when I told him we were going to spend the whole of the next day in my garden right away from his annoying sister.

However, I’d forgotten that my annoying sister would be around.  When we got outside, ready for a game of superspies, Jessica had taken over the whole lawn with a yucky teddy bears’ picnic and told us to go away and play indoors. 

We were about to spray her with water from the hose when Mum saw us and made us sweep the patio – and she said she was going to keep an eye on us.

We were just thinking that this wasn’t going to be a fun day after all when a pair of stony ears popped up from a pot plant.  It was Zack, and Neb was with him.  We pretended to be polishing the pot and bent down to tell them all about Jesscia taking over the garden.  Zack and Neb grinned at each other so we knew they were going to do something cool.  Zack disappeared and Neb blended with the patio stones.

When Jessica went inside to get more juice, her teddy bears began moving about.  She couldn’t believe her eyes when she came back to see Grumblytum on his head, Sleepytime Ted up a tree and Mr Fuzzyfur with his head through a hole in the fence and the others were all in a heap on the shed roof.  And half the picnic had been eaten.  She let out an ear-splitting scream and told Mum that we’d done it!  Of course Mum knew it wasn’t us as she’d been watching us making a beautiful job of the patio.  Jessica was so cross she started taking her bears inside.  We helped which made her even crosser and then we had a great game of superspies.   It’s extra good when you’ve got two vanishing gargoylz!

Bart has read a teddy bear joke in a book.

Q. What do you get if you cross a skunk with a teddy bear?
A. Winnie the Pooh!

Oh dear he’s just made one up one of his own.

Q. What do you get if you cross a bottom burping gargoyle with a teddy bear?

A. Barney the Pooh!

I’ve thought of another trick I can play on Jessica.  Going off to get tin foil and a plunger!

The play was awesome!  There were witches and walking trees and ghosts.  And at the end, the baddie, who was called Macbeth, got his head cut off and someone held it up.  It looked really real and dripped with blood and the Basher burst out crying. We didn’t need Ira to make it rain at all but we forgot to tell him so the whole audience got soaked! 

Anyway, the gargoylz really liked it so they invited us to go and watch them put on their version of the play in the churchyard. It was called MacGargoyle. Zack was MacGargoyle and he kept disappearing so it was hard to follow what was going on. Rufus, Eli and Azzan were the walking trees but they only had two leaves and a dandelion between them. We tried not to laugh. MacGargoyle’s head was a balloon with a face drawn on it so when Toby lifted it up, the wind blew it away and it popped on the spire.

Bart has just nudged my elbow.  He wants me to tell you a joke he heard in a school recently.

Q. What do you call an exploding ape?

A. A ba-boom!

We’re off to an amusement park on Monday – hurrah!

 When we told Bart later he said it reminded him of a monster joke and we had to tell you all.  So here goes…

 What’s green and goes up and down?

A  monster on a trampoline!

Then he told us he’d been to a school recently and heard some great jokes.  Here’s two of them.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Doctor.

Doctor who?

That’s right!

Why did the toilet roll roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

Must stop now and put a toothbrush and a pair of pants in my rucksack. I’m going to sleep over at Ben’s for the whole weekend. We’re going to play tricks with the gargoylz. I wonder what they’ve got planned. See you next week.

Anyway, it’s 4 o’clock and we’re in the ICT room. The bell went half an hour ago. Unfortunately our mums signed us up for computer club with Mr Weedy Widget! They said it would make us behave sensibly after we got into trouble for making Lucinda shriek in English. Well it’s not our fault if she does that when she sees a skeleton.  Good old Rufus. He loomed up outside the classroom window right by her desk. It was awesome.

We tried to get out of computer club. Bart wanted us to go and play with all the gargoylz after school and he looked so sad when we said we couldn’t that we were determined not to let him down. When the bell rang I told Miss Bleet that I had the Mercury measles – like the Martian measles but with bigger spots – and Max said he was allergic to mice, especially wireless ones. Miss Bleet looked like she believed us but then Mrs Hogsbottom stalked past. She told us we were being outrageous and breaking School Rule number two hundred and seventeen – Boys must not pretend to have impossible diseases to get out of computer club.

So now we’re meant to be learning how to do research on the Internet but I’m secretly blogging instead. Max is looking up jokes and acting as superspy look out. He’s found some great jokes for Bart. That should cheer him up. Trouble is which one would work best? See what you think.

Q.  On which day do monsters eat people?
A.  Chewsday.

Q.  What is a sea monster’s favorite dish?
A.  Fish and ships.

Q. What’s big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has 16 wheels?
A.  A monster on roller-skates.

Let us know which one you like best.

Ow! Max just kicked me under the table. Here comes Mr Widget…

Here’s the lowdown on last week’s Sport Relief.  We managed three hundred and thirteen jokes between us in five minutes of constant hopping. These are the top five football jokes, voted by the gargoylz…

Q. Why are football players never invited out for dinner?
A. Because they’re always dribbling!

Q. Which football team loves ice cream?
A. Aston Vanilla!

Warning Bart special
Q. Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
A. Webley stadium!

Q. Why should you be careful playing any game against a team of big cats?
A. They might be cheetahs!

Q. Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
A. They got jellygated! That’s Jelly’s favourite.

Ben and I have got to go and meet the gargoylz now as we’ve got a trick to plan.  Ben’s sister, Arabella has been really annoying today.  She’s a school monitor and thinks that means she can be the biggest bossyboots in the history of biggest bossyboots!

Ben’s just come up with a fantastic idea for a trick. We’ll tell you about it next week…

But first – Bart, who thinks he is the master of jokes, has insisted I pass on his advice about how to warm up for an event like this.

1. Eat lots of yummy cookiez to build your strength.
2. To protect your voice, don’t answer any questionz in class.  (All jokes have to be said out loud.)
3. Play some awesome trickz to get yourself in the mood.  Burping up spiderz near girlz is a good one.
4. Eat more cookiez to keep up your strength.
5. Eat even more cookiez.

 We’ll tell you how it went next week.

NEWS FLASH – OLDACRE PRIMARY SCHOOL CLOSED DUE TO SNOW

That came on the radio on Monday and we haven’t been to school all week. Awesome!

Anyway, I expect you’ve been wondering what happened when Jessica found the Christmas spider in her knicker drawer. We were just making a snow fort at the bottom of the garden when we heard a yell. We ran in to see the fun. Big mistake.

It wasn’t Jessica who’d found the Christmas spider – it was Mrs Black. I don’t know how she knew it was us who’d put it there! When she’d finished telling us off, she noticed the snow prints we’d left on the new carpet in the hall . . . and up the stairs . . . and on the landing. We scarpered – leaving a load more prints on the way down!

Anyway, we were still determined to get Jessica so we asked Bart to come and burp some spiders into her toy box in the lounge. But it wasn’t Jessica who found the spiders – it was Mrs Black again! She doesn’t like spiders, so she’s locked herself in her bedroom and won’t come out, even though Max has promised her there are no spiders anymore – which is true. They’ve all disappeared, of course, like Bart’s burped spiders always do.

School’s open on Monday and we’ve got an idea for a snowtastic trick to play on the teachers. It’s going to be brilliant! We’ll tell you all about it next week. Now we’re off to make plans with the gargoylz . . .

P.S. Bart’s just made up a great joke and he can’t stop laughing.

Q: What do you call a hot snowman?

A: A puddle