Gargoylz Blog » Mrs Hogsbum
3
Sep
Back to school tricks

Posted by Max

We’ve been back at school for three whole days!  Term has started really early this year – loads of kids have got another week off. It’s not been too bad though.  We’ve had great fun reminding Mrs Hogsbottom about her holiday disaster.  Every time she walks by we lean sideways and hold our noses.  She mutters ‘outrageous’ under her breath but she’s so puzzled she hasn’t thought up a school rule that stops boys leaning and holding their noses.

But she did have a new school rule for something else.  The hall floor has been polished during the holidays.  It shines now and smells really funny.  And Mrs Hogsbum declared at our first assembly that School Rule number 746 says No children must make the hall floor dirty.  So she stands at the door at assembly time and we have to take our shoes off when we go in!  This was cool because the floor was slippery with just socks on and we all had a great slide.  Until she added School Rule number 747 – no children must skate in the hall when they’ve taken off their shoes to protect the polish.

Anyway Ben and I decided that it was time for the gargoylz to play a trick.  We waited until Mrs Hogsbum was in the hall.  She was bent down, with her beaky nose right by the floor looking for smudge marks.  And that was perfect.  Neb blended in with the polished wood and Zack went invisible.  They put their feet in flour and then ran round the hall.  Mrs Hogsbum went mad trying to wipe away the paw marks with her hanky.

Must go.  I have planted a plastic banana in the fruit bowl and can’t wait to see Dad take a bite.  He loves bananas.


3

27
Aug
Sandcastle Competition!

Posted by Ben

Max nearly deafened me when I told him what the awesome surprise was.  He was coming on holiday with me! 

And here we are, staying in a caravan right next to the beach.  It’s great.  We’ve got sand and huge waves – and some gargoyle friends of course. 

Yesterday we entered a sandcastle competition. Max and I made a superspy motor launch with shells for the missile launch buttons and seaweed for missiles – it made Arabella scream when we launched it at her.  The gargoylz all got together behind a rock and made a sand church which they decorated with sand models of themselves.  While we waited for the judges we had ice cream and Azzan got covered in it.  (He got overexcited and melted his with his flames.)

At that moment we saw the judges coming.  The other gargoylz hid but Azzan tripped!  He rolled over and the sand stuck to the ice cream on his stone.  He looked like a sand dragon.  He just had time to sit up with one paw in the air when the judges arrived.  And we won first prize for him!  The gargoylz were really cross until they realised what the prize was.  Free ice cream for the rest of the holiday.      

Bart has a holiday joke for Abel. 

Q. What do trees wear at the seaside?

A. Swimming trunks!

We go back to school next Wednesday, worse luck.  But we have a plan.  Every time we see Mrs Hogsbum we’re going to lean to one side and hold our noses!  We’ll never let her forget her holiday trip to Pisa.


5


Barney’s home and has told us all about his holiday.  It turns out that the Leaning Tower wasn’t made of pizza after all.  It was a proper tower in Pisa that leans.  He didn’t realise until he’d got to the top and took a big bite out of the stone!   It gave him such a fright that he made one of his smells and Mrs Hogsbum got the blame!  All the tourists had to hold their noses and the guide asked Mrs Hogbum to leave.  She shouted outrageous and told them they’d broken holiday rule number 754 – No one tells a head teacher to leave a leaning tower. 

There was an animal fun day at the church yesterday in aid of the donkey sanctuary down the road.  The vicar dressed up as a kangaroo and bounced around giving out sweets from his pouch – until Zack got inside and scoffed the lot.  Ben and I went as a giant cockroach and scared Doris and Aggie, the demon flower arrangers.

Theo turned into a kitten and won first prize for his costume.  The vicar thought he was a small child.  Our new friend Abel had transformed into a tree and was having a snooze when the vicar’s wife pinned a treasure hunt clue to his trunk.  He soon woke up and changed the wording so that all the treasure hunters ended up in the pond!  It was a great day and the donkeys are now going to have new ear warmers for winter.

Mum’s calling me.  She says it’s Ben on the phone and he’s got an awesome surprise for me.


4

16
Jul
Sports day carnage!

Posted by Ben

The world cup is over – boo hoo!  Only stupid sisters like Arabella and Jessica are pleased about that.  Never mind, the football season starts soon!

Sports day was wicked. Toby and Eli hid in the sacks and Miss Bleet thought they were haunted.  And then Neb blended in with the sand in the long jump and tickled all the jumpers’ feet!

Next, Max and I won the leapfrog race! Lucinda and Tiffany were in the lead but they kept stopping to make sure that they weren’t showing their pants so we beat them easy peasy – and without the gargoylz help. 

But you can never keep the gargoylz quiet for long and soon they were playing a trick.  Mr Widget was selling his homemade lemonade to the parents. First Theo distracted him by doing his kitten impression. While he was busy shooing him off, Zack popped invisible and stuck a pin in all the plastic cups. Every time Mr Widget went to serve a drink he was showered in lemonade! He was so sweet and sticky he got chased by wasps. He zoomed down the 50m sprint faster than all the year 6 kids and won the race!  (The wasps came second.)

On Monday we’ve got a school trip. We’re going to an open air theatre to see a play by some bloke called Shakespeare.  Mrs Hogsbum says it will be really good so it definitely won’t be.  We’re going to get all the gargoylz to come along. They’ll have fun and Ira can make it rain during the boring bits which will probably be all the time.


3


The trick on Arabella was footballtastic! Zack went invisible and signed her up for the school 5-a-side tournament and she had to play football all day. Mrs Hogsbottom wouldn’t listen when she said it wasn’t her writing, and anyway she’s not called Smelly Arabella. (Zack got over excited when he wrote it!)

Barney has insisted that I give you the recipe for Crackolates.  He says they’re drainpipingly delicious and should be eaten at least once a week.  So here it is.

Crispy Crackolates

Makes 12

Place 12 paper cake cases in muffin tray or on baking tray.

You will need a grown up to help you and -

  • 50g butter
  • 4 tablespoons golden syrup
  • 100g good quality dark/plain chocolate
  • 80g cornflakes
  1. Put butter, syrup and chocolate in large saucepan.  Warning – syrup is very gloopy!
  2. Melt it all very carefully over gentle heat until it’s mixed.
  3. Remove from heat and stir the cornflakes in well.
  4. Place spoonfuls of the mix in the paper cases. Leave to set in fridge.
  5. Eat from the fridge as soon as you come in.  Store in fridge. Crackolates keep for a couple of days – but we bet you won’t have any left. We didn’t.

Azzan says you should eat them four times a week! Jelly says every day!

The gargoylz were very excited yesterday.  They’ve been visiting lots of schools and the children have sent photos of the gargoylz models and pictures they’ve made.  They were amazing.  Toby flew up and decorated the church ceiling with them which really scared the vicar who rushed out in the middle of his sermon shouting ‘monsters!’

We’ve got Sports day on Tuesday.  I bet the gargoylz will do something to make it fun.  Can’t wait to see what.


10

2
Jul
Max’s disaster haircut

Posted by Ben

Posted by Ben Neal

Max has a very interesting haircut at the moment.  Ira and Neb went with him to the hairdressers.  They had a great time playing hide and seek among the towels and curlers but just as the hairdresser was about to use the battery-powered clippers on Max, Ira got excited and made it rain – indoors!  The clippers fizzed and sparked and ran all round Max’s head.  He looks like a spiky tennis ball!

Max is at my house at this moment and we’re having a footie sleepover. More World Cup tonight so we’re going to watch it together in the lounge with the big TV. Barney, Azzan and Jelly are here too.  The others are going to watch the match on the vicar’s television. Not that the vicar has any idea.

Max and I had our own World Cup match at lunchtime yesterday. I scored the winning goal – thanks to Mrs Hogsbum! It was three-all and it was nearly the end of lunchtime. Mrs Hogsbum was just stomping across the playground to shout at some infants when I did a brilliant kick. The ball sailed in the air, bounced off her nose and zoomed straight into the goal. Mrs Hogsbum staggered about a bit and fell on her bottom in a flowerbed. Just then the bell went for afternoon school which meant I had won! I told Mrs H she’d scored the winning goal for me. I don’t know why she was so cross about it. She said I’d broken school rule 765 – boys must not use their head teacher to score winning goals.

We’ve got a special football feast of chocolate crackolates and cola to share with Barney, Azzan and Jelly. And best of all, Arabella’s banned from the lounge. She made a big fuss about it so the gargoylz have promised us they’ll play a trick on her.  And she deserves it. She said that football is silly!


1

18
Jun
Footie, footie, footie!

Posted by Ben

Posted by Ben Neal

I’ve got to tell you what happened to Max and me last Friday after school.  We were about to rush home to watch the World Cup match when Mrs Hogbottom came marching into the class and said that everyone who was signed up for the basket weaving club with Mr Widget should go to the hall. Well that wasn’t us!  Max and I made for the door to go home, laughing about the silly basket weavers, when Mrs Hogsbum asked us where did we think we were going?  Our mothers had signed us up for the club. We were going to miss the match!

There was nothing to be done.  Mr Widget told us to make dog baskets to sell at the school fair. We decided to make a mouse basket instead so we’d finish and at least get home for half time.

Then we had a brilliant idea. Max went to the window and called the gargoylz over. He asked Cyrus to sing everyone else to sleep so that we could escape.

But then double disaster! Cyrus didn’t give us any warning to put our fingers in our ears and we heard him sing and both fell asleep as well. When we woke up it was one minute to four. We wouldn’t get home for kick off.

And now I’m going to surprise you because Mr Weedy Widget did a wonderful thing, for the first time ever. When he woke up he yawned and told us he had a surprise for us.  He moved aside all the wicker and straws to reveal a TV!  And we watched the match!

Tonight is going to be awesome. England are playing Algeria and I’m going to Max’s house for a sleepover so we can watch it together on the TV in his bedroom. We’ve told the gargoylz they can watch with us but NO TRICKS!


0


Agent Max Black reporting.

Poor Ben. His computer came back from being fixed and his dad took it away for another week. All because Arabella made a silly fuss about him using her laptop without asking.

Half term is about to start!  Ben and I are going camping with our families.  Problem is we’ve got to take Jessica and Arabella.

Today in school, Mr Widget brought in his bagpipes and gave us a concert in the hall for an hour.  It was awful.  It sounded like an elephant with toothache. We had to do something and we knew just who to ask for help – the gargoylz!  We quickly devised a secret plan – Stop the Bagpipes.

We asked to go to the toilet but Miss Bleet insisted on walking us there.  Luckily she didn’t come inside.  We climbed on a toilet and stuck our heads out of the window.  Even there we could hear the bagpipes.  Ben gave a whistle and Toby came flying over.  We asked him to find Zack and told him our secret plan.    

We went back to the hall.  Mr Widget was droning away at ‘the wheels on the bus go round and round.’ Nothing happened for a bit but then Ben and I saw the glint of a pin sailing through the air and heading straight for the bagpipes.  Our secret plan was working. The next second there was a terrible wheezing sound and the bagpipes deflated!  They sounded like one of Barney’s best bottom burps. Mrs Hogsbottom shouted “Outrageous!” and told Mr Widget he’d have to stay behind after school. He had broken school rule number 854 – teachers must not make rude noises when playing musical instruments. 

 Mum’s yelling at me to get packed. Can’t wait for our camping trip.  Ben and I are sharing a tent – with the gargoylz of course.  We’re going to make a secret plan to scare our pesky sisters. Tell you all about it next week.


6


Blog writer: Agent Neal

Max’s dad wasn’t too pleased when he had to change all his clothes because they were covered in milk and cornflakes. I don’t know why Max got into trouble. After all, he only gave his sister the rubber egg.  It was Jessica who hit their dad with it.

Talking of sisters, we played a great trick on my sister, Enemy Agent Arabella: also known as Manic Monitor.  Arabella snitched on Max and me just because we were doing an experiment at school. We wanted to know whether Mrs Hogsbum’s prize cactuses would grow better if they got fed on custard. They didn’t – they went floppy and died.

Mrs Hogsbottom didn’t listen when we said it was an important scientific experiment and she made us water all the plants in the school. It took ages.

So we decided to get our own back on Arabella. We asked Ira to rain on her. Then we hid and watched with Eli and Cyrus. It was awesome! As soon as she stepped out at playtime Ira flapped his wings and a little black cloud sprinkled drops of cold rain on her head. She started screaming. Mrs Plod, one of the dinnerladies, came up to see what all the fuss was about and Arabella complained that it was raining and said everyone should go in. Mrs Plod looked up at the blue sky and told her not to be silly. When she’d gone, Ira flapped his wings again! This time Arabella was soaked. She bellowed for Mrs Plod and got told off for pouring water over herself. Eli and his snakes laughed so loudly I thought we’d get found out.

I’m writing this on the classroom computer at lunchtime. I think I can hear Miss Bleat coming. I’ll hide in the stock cupboard. She’ll never find me there.


6


School has been wonderful! Mrs Hogbum is stuck out in Mongolia because of the volcano that’s erupting in Iceland. She can’t fly back. Obviously she forgot to pack her broomstick when she went on holiday. Ha ha! The volcano will be in such trouble. It’s probably broken school rule number one million and five: volcanos must not erupt and stop head teachers getting back for the start of term.

Anyway, it’s 4 o’clock and we’re in the ICT room. The bell went half an hour ago. Unfortunately our mums signed us up for computer club with Mr Weedy Widget! They said it would make us behave sensibly after we got into trouble for making Lucinda shriek in English. Well it’s not our fault if she does that when she sees a skeleton.  Good old Rufus. He loomed up outside the classroom window right by her desk. It was awesome.

We tried to get out of computer club. Bart wanted us to go and play with all the gargoylz after school and he looked so sad when we said we couldn’t that we were determined not to let him down. When the bell rang I told Miss Bleet that I had the Mercury measles – like the Martian measles but with bigger spots – and Max said he was allergic to mice, especially wireless ones. Miss Bleet looked like she believed us but then Mrs Hogsbottom stalked past. She told us we were being outrageous and breaking School Rule number two hundred and seventeen – Boys must not pretend to have impossible diseases to get out of computer club.

So now we’re meant to be learning how to do research on the Internet but I’m secretly blogging instead. Max is looking up jokes and acting as superspy look out. He’s found some great jokes for Bart. That should cheer him up. Trouble is which one would work best? See what you think.

Q.  On which day do monsters eat people?
A.  Chewsday.

Q.  What is a sea monster’s favorite dish?
A.  Fish and ships.

Q. What’s big, heavy, furry, dangerous and has 16 wheels?
A.  A monster on roller-skates.

Let us know which one you like best.

Ow! Max just kicked me under the table. Here comes Mr Widget…


9

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